By Cybill Shepherd
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Extra resources for Cybill Disobedience
Sometimes I’ve failed to hold myself accountable. Now I’m looking at my own trajectory, hoping to discern Cybill the Good and Cybill the Bad, trying to understand in order to be understood. I want to figure out how I became one of the Furies --me, the same person voted Most Cooperative at Camp Pickwick in 1959. Some people have asked why I’d subject myself to the scrutiny of public confession when there are so many reasons not to; it’s painful, I’m too young, I will be harshly judged. But events of the last year, symbolized by the not-so-pretty scar that means I’ve worn my last bikini, have forced me to realize that there are no guarantees about our time on the planet.
The vain, murderously envious queen in Snow White poisons the young beauty but still doesn’t feel safe when told that her rival is dead. ” I grew up with this fairy tale and with the presumption of female envy. My mother absorbed this common cultural belief and passed it on to me, but I’d like to think that I’ve protected my daughters from it. When I look at my eldest now, I know absolutely who the fresh young beauty is, without begrudging her the role. I’ve already played it, and I’d prefer not to play the evil queen, in life anyway.
When there’s so much anarchy, so much hidden in a family, the natural ability to bond and establish meaningful connections is broken because it’s every man for himself. And yet each Sunday we answered the carillon bells of a city that was reputed to have more churches than gas stations. We washed our tearstained faces and put on clothes that smelled of Niagara starch, to sit in sanctified silence at Holy Communion Episcopal Church. I sang in the choir, a perfect perch for looking at my family in a front pew, miserable but spit-shined behind a Donna Reed facade.